грёза
A charged dream of Dragon.
Keen for something.
このままじゃ
ダメかな？
あまり伝えてとどけないできない、深い気持ちは。
自分のために、もっと探しに行くんだ。
various
Went to high tea for our anniversary (both quite “in role”, too), spent both days of the weekend just lying on the grass in a park reading phenomenology — a rare weekend of sunny days — and today, a first dose of BNT162b2.
iraira
Feeling a bit angry today.
Irritated, annoyed, moody. I’m coming to the end of my progesterone cycle, and just as well. I feel a lot of it directed at her but I’m not certain how much is warranted.
отчужденность
There’s a curious detachment that arises out of this experience.
I noticed it first when I wore almost nothing to the queer rave, though at the time I ascribed it to the natural high—of being out for the first time in years, of trying something a bit daring, of submitting in a public place. (And what a high it was, make no mistake.)
Yesterday I wore what could only be called a servant’s uniform, or perhaps even a seneschal’s; it was absolutely not vanilla. And we went out at lunch time, to the post office, to get lunch, to take care of some medical appointments. This is a full-body uniform—in no way titillating, or anything like that, but nonetheless very conspicuous—and I had no feelings about it. I chose to wear it as part of my submission for the day, and then we were heading out, so I wore it out. I don’t even know if I attracted any glances or looks for wearing it; it wasn’t on my mind.
If someone looked at me, they weren’t really looking at me, just a presentation of me. While I dress to communicate certain things, this.. hardening of my exterior, as I learn to give up my ego, means that what people say or make of those things don’t say anything about me. It’s strange.
Similarly, the behavioural modification inherent in referring to someone previously close-and-same as “Miss” in deference, habitually, instinctively, might have once made me feel.. I don’t know, self-conscious? Or something? But when it comes as part of submission, it’s just another part of how I choose to yield, and thus doesn’t feel like a hit to me.
I feel like I need to take some care here not to detach so completely that my submission doesn’t arise from my own core. I don’t think that’s what’s happening — I think instead I am perhaps learning some humility? But it’s clear, writing this out, that there is a risk that I could shear away from this and wind up fragmented. Need to concentrate my selves.
inscrutability II
From the inscrutability of dreams to that of a Master or Mistress, huh?
Allowing yourself to follow a path that’s been opened up for you; not demanding to understand motives.. funny to see this written so soon after ‘occlusion’.
tumari
While doing our grocery shopping for the week, Mistress picked some recipes rather arbitrarily.
A nice looking bolognese (vegan), which required I go to the bottle shop after work to fetch a suitable wine for cooking.
I started cooking proper at 5.30pm; a slight pause to make up some parmesan (vegan), receive the grocery delivery, learn how to use a Swiss army knife’s corkscrew to open the bottle.
Turns out mincing half a kilo of mushrooms takes some time.
All told it’s quarter to 9pm and dinner is nearly done. I remarked to Miss how late it had gotten, and—perhaps to my surprise—she said, “next time you’ll be quicker!”
kekkyoku
All I wanted was to be someone’s property. It really has always been that simple. Ugh!
sequencer
I’m finding, more and more, that I discover things about myself in the process of serialising my consciousness into words.
Those words formed themselves without my input
and
Huh. Who knew.
It seems to me that, as long as I keep writing, keep the channel of my being open, keep making myself vulnerable (unto what? the world itself?), discovery will continue.
(And so it happens here; the first line originally came out as “[…] that I discover things about them […]”, and I am not fully sure how to understand it, other than to accept that, while in many ways a merging of identities is at play in this acceptance of my submissive, slave-ish self, my reflexive knowledge still very much applies the lens of a third party.)
title I
Seneschal.
This can only be the first of so many titles, I take it.