various
Went to high tea for our anniversary (both quite “in role”, too), spent both days of the weekend just lying on the grass in a park reading phenomenology — a rare weekend of sunny days — and today, a first dose of BNT162b2.
iraira
Feeling a bit angry today.
Irritated, annoyed, moody. I’m coming to the end of my progesterone cycle, and just as well. I feel a lot of it directed at her but I’m not certain how much is warranted.
отчужденность
There’s a curious detachment that arises out of this experience.
I noticed it first when I wore almost nothing to the queer rave, though at the time I ascribed it to the natural high—of being out for the first time in years, of trying something a bit daring, of submitting in a public place. (And what a high it was, make no mistake.)
Yesterday I wore what could only be called a servant’s uniform, or perhaps even a seneschal’s; it was absolutely not vanilla. And we went out at lunch time, to the post office, to get lunch, to take care of some medical appointments. This is a full-body uniform—in no way titillating, or anything like that, but nonetheless very conspicuous—and I had no feelings about it. I chose to wear it as part of my submission for the day, and then we were heading out, so I wore it out. I don’t even know if I attracted any glances or looks for wearing it; it wasn’t on my mind.
If someone looked at me, they weren’t really looking at me, just a presentation of me. While I dress to communicate certain things, this.. hardening of my exterior, as I learn to give up my ego, means that what people say or make of those things don’t say anything about me. It’s strange.
Similarly, the behavioural modification inherent in referring to someone previously close-and-same as “Miss” in deference, habitually, instinctively, might have once made me feel.. I don’t know, self-conscious? Or something? But when it comes as part of submission, it’s just another part of how I choose to yield, and thus doesn’t feel like a hit to me.
I feel like I need to take some care here not to detach so completely that my submission doesn’t arise from my own core. I don’t think that’s what’s happening — I think instead I am perhaps learning some humility? But it’s clear, writing this out, that there is a risk that I could shear away from this and wind up fragmented. Need to concentrate my selves.
inscrutability II
From the inscrutability of dreams to that of a Master or Mistress, huh?
Allowing yourself to follow a path that’s been opened up for you; not demanding to understand motives.. funny to see this written so soon after ‘occlusion’.
tumari
While doing our grocery shopping for the week, Mistress picked some recipes rather arbitrarily.
A nice looking bolognese (vegan), which required I go to the bottle shop after work to fetch a suitable wine for cooking.
I started cooking proper at 5.30pm; a slight pause to make up some parmesan (vegan), receive the grocery delivery, learn how to use a Swiss army knife’s corkscrew to open the bottle.
Turns out mincing half a kilo of mushrooms takes some time.
All told it’s quarter to 9pm and dinner is nearly done. I remarked to Miss how late it had gotten, and—perhaps to my surprise—she said, “next time you’ll be quicker!”
kekkyoku
All I wanted was to be someone’s property. It really has always been that simple. Ugh!
sequencer
I’m finding, more and more, that I discover things about myself in the process of serialising my consciousness into words.
Those words formed themselves without my input
and
Huh. Who knew.
It seems to me that, as long as I keep writing, keep the channel of my being open, keep making myself vulnerable (unto what? the world itself?), discovery will continue.
(And so it happens here; the first line originally came out as “[…] that I discover things about them […]”, and I am not fully sure how to understand it, other than to accept that, while in many ways a merging of identities is at play in this acceptance of my submissive, slave-ish self, my reflexive knowledge still very much applies the lens of a third party.)
title I
Seneschal.
This can only be the first of so many titles, I take it.
excerpt
Motivations for Service
Why bother to serve? Why do s-types do it? Besides, of course, “…because it’s what subs/slaves do, so I’m doing it.”? In watching and talking to s-types for many years, we’ve discerned that there seem to be three basic types of motivation for service. We’re calling them Transactional, Devotional, and Positional, and we’ll discuss each of them separately.
However, as you read this, it’s important to keep in mind that each person is a complicated mix of motivations. Even if those motivations might fall into three categories, people don’t. Our motivations may shift from person to situation to activity; we may manifest any of these at various times. These categories are presented so that people can have words for why they do things, and perhaps identify if one of these is more dominant than others in their personality.
Transactional Service
In transactional motivations for service, the individual is serving because they are getting a direct benefit from it. Ideally this is an exchange of equal value to them, or they would refuse to do it. The most obvious example of this is paid service – the cleaning lady and the waiter do their jobs because they are getting a paycheck at the end of the day. With unpaid situations, the exchange can be more or less overt or subtle; some people spell it all out in a contract, while for others it’s just “assumed” that “I do this for you now because I know that you’ll do that for me later, so it’s worth it.”
There are all sorts of reasons why people might consider service worth doing even if it isn’t attractive on its own merits. A live-in houseboy or housemaid might clean the house because they’re getting free rent and a certain amount of dominance from a trustworthy M-type. A part-time sub might fetch their dominant drinks at the bar because they know they’re going to get some kinky action later, or because it adds to the fun of temporarily imagining themselves to be a slave, forced to serve or else something vague and terrible and titillating might happen. Another might serve because it gets them the appreciation of the people that they’re serving, and they like to know that they can make a positive impact on the lives of others.
Every power dynamic should have at least a small amount of transactional motivation, because it keeps the servant in touch with their needs and whether those needs are actually getting met. If the servant is no longer getting what they need and what they believe that the master is obligated to give them, they’ll become resentful and eventually leave. This is one reason why it’s good to have largely transactional relationships clearly delineated; the master needs to know what the servant believes that they are supposed to be getting from them. Sometimes these relationships are built entirely on assumptions, and if those assumptions are not in line with each other, it will fail very quickly. Of course, this also means that the servant needs to be completely honest – not only with the master but with themselves as well – about what it is that they expect from the bargain. With straightforward honesty, this kind of service can work out very well in a long-distance relationship, or one where both parties can only see each other periodically, where the other motivations would be more painful and difficult.
One of the drawbacks to transactional service is that while it can work very well for short-term encounters, it’s not so useful for long-term, 24/7, emotionally intimate relationships where boundaries can blur and “rewards” can get put off due to the vagaries of life interfering. The constant “accounting” gets tricky when it’s every minute of every day, and sooner or later someone will start feeling shortchanged. Another drawback is that this motivation can only be pushed so far, as it is easily swayed by personal desires and selfishness. It’s not necessarily the best foundation for a property-ownership situation, for example, or a no-recourse commitment where the slave is expected to be there permanently.
Devotional Service
Devotional motivations for service happen when the submissive serves out of love. It doesn’t have to be romantic love – although it often is – but there is usually a feeling of “You are such a wonderful person that I am moved to do things for you, and I want very much to please you and to make you happy.” Deep satisfaction is gained from helping the object of their warm feelings, in a way that wouldn’t happen if they were rendering that service to some random person.
Love is an amazingly strong motivation, and can carry someone a long way in the face of difficulty. Therefore, this motivation lends itself best to long-term romantic relationships, and secondarily to relationships where the sub looks up to and admires the master as a person. There may also be a desire for the feeling of “belonging” – to a person, to a family, to a cause. Since devotional service is usually very one-pointed – “I serve you and no other!” – the master needs to be very careful about lending their servant to others. Long-distance relationships are the hardest for someone with this motivation, for obvious reasons.
The drawbacks to devotional service is that inevitably, a day will come when the servant doesn’t feel all that loving, and may decide that service isn’t being rendered on that day. We’re all human, and eventually every couple – especially if they are living together – has a moment of “Damn it, today I just hate you!” Even if they get over it in a matter of hours, during that time their service will often be sabotaged by the lack of positive feelings. This can be particularly problematic with the combination of an emotionally volatile servant and “mission critical” tasks. A servant motivated primarily by devotion would do well to cultivate a little of the other two types of motivation to pull them through the “I hate you today” mornings.
Positional Service
Positional motivations for service come from the servant’s strong sense of identity of themselves as a service-oriented person. They serve because it’s part of who they are, and to refuse to serve would be to sabotage their own self-worth, which is often based on how well a job they do. Positionally-motivated servants take pride in serving as perfectly as possible, and they are the ones who get up to help because it needs doing, regardless of who is asking. They are the most likely to attempt to cultivate “pure” service, treating it as an art and requiring little in the way of appreciation. This category is the “ideal” slave in Laura Antoniou’s fictional Marketplace series, where slaves are sold to random wealthy owners who may or may not be even remotely worthy as people, and the slaves are expected to serve their monied masters to the best of their ability anyway. As you might imagine, positionally-motivated servants do “lend out” quite well, should a master want such a thing.
Putting the chairs away after the BDSM potluck munch for the fiftieth time won’t fly for the transactionally-motivated servant (“What’s in it for me?”) or the devotionally-motivated servant (“I don’t love you; why should I do what you say?”), but the positionally-motivated servant will get up and do it anyway every time, because it’s what they do. It is central to how they see themselves. However, one of the drawbacks to being a positionally-motivated servant is that their need to serve anyone, anything, for their own self-worth, can get them taken advantage of by unscrupulous people who want something for nothing.
Another drawback to this motivation is that it does tend to objectify dominants and perhaps see them as interchangeable. In contrast to the devotionally-motivated submissive who is fiercely bound to one particular person, the positionally-motivated servant may be happy to serve anyone for the sake of the service. Alongside the potential problems of choosing a less-than-worthy master, they might also irritate some dominants with their seeming lack of caring about whom they serve. Many dominants want to be seen as special, at least by their submissives, and they may be put off by the idea that they might as well be anyone else who would accept the submissive’s service. Adding a bit of devotion to the mix will help in that regard, and cultivating some transactional motivations will help to keep them from being taken advantage of too often.
zashchitnitsa
I was away, in my own head.
In the imaginal, I was yours. You’d given me to Audrey for a night, who in turn used me very, very roughly, late into the night. The next morning, she met with you for coffee, slave girl in tow — who’d been very good, she assured — and you received me back.
In the real — just minutes later — you addressed my subconscious, asking me to let you protect me in my dreams.
And in a funny way, you just had. As another has written before me:
I can’t not be submissive, whether owned or unowned, whether actively dominated or not, whether bound or free. My constant inclination is to submit to any other person around me, which apart from a slave master or mistress, is dangerous and leaves me susceptible. For me and others like me, there is a saving grace in being owned by another, for then I am protected from my own submissive vulnerability.
Being given was protection, for in that world I was yours to give; the comfort of being given — that of knowing one’s place to begin with.