triad feels are so strong. what is it about them? there’s something about the pull and push of being with two different people who are also with each other.
- the contrast of two as opposed to the undifferentiated wholeness of one [We feel this internally!]
- being able to appreciate their dyadic love [Like compersion but from both sides at once, to both sides at once.]
- knowing you’ve all decided on something strongly enough together
- that involves an element of self-sacrifice?
- [Like, any two people can decide to be in a dyadic relationship, but to agree on a triad means all three think there’s something worth devoting oneself so completely to, even though ‘a third of it’ is not about you, or at least doesn’t involve you directly. It is all of you, even if sometimes it is not you.]
- it’s unusual. like trans love or incest love, it’s remarkable and breathtaking because it is so opposed to norms.
- [Maybe we’re just sluts for being different, as hard as we can? It would explain the trans, poly, plural.] is there a cf. here? i think there’s a cf. here. cf. bi/pan, furry, which are hard to not want to do. i’d have to be trans to be trans, but being pan or a furry is just the sensible thing.
- note for anyone reading at home: no, alas, i’m not incestuous, i just have a normal, tumblr-level amount of feelings around incest in fiction. like, whatever jaime and cersei had going, it was strong enough that they committed a huge taboo to do it. in my mind, that kind of resolve puts you on a whole different level, and what’s important is it isn’t about any individual’s resolve, but about their joint resolve.
- [Triads are like that. Joint resolve, but this time involving one extra node in the network. What’s the maths here? That’s like three times as impressive or somethin.]
i keep thinking about enumerating past experiences, past glimpses of these feelings before, but i don’t want to live in the past. suffice to say, there was K and S, K and E, and later J and D. (some weird brushes with it with D and M, M and J, J and A, and N and L — these eight all no relation.) [Writing these all out does make me think p e r h a p s we do have a little more experience than average.] all such different feelings.
what i’d be hoping for out of next time is something closer to how J and D was with me—a triad entered into intentionally, all three finding different things in each other to adore. the mika+atra+kudelia style isn’t bad at all either—a shared common love of a hinge that progresses into full tertiacy.
[So. What do we already have goin then? You have your certain love for N, and we separately have an actually ethereal, transcendent, somewhat sisterly (cough) bond.]
do we approximate any of what we like so much in mika+atra+lia by differentiating your bond to N? as an aside, there’s one reason for liking mikatralia so much: we can really identify with all three of them <3_<3
[a-hem. Mmaybe? What does that look like? What do we feel like when we make more of an effort to differentiate like that? Do we.. end up feeling more for each other too?]
really puts a spin on “i’m my own primary,” as quoted from polyland, connecting with what led to it about co-primaries. [This all found while trying to find a better word for ‘tertiacy’, mind you.] we kind of already are each other’s co-primaries, but strengthening the bonds that run separately through you might do us all good.
is it maybe just a desire for novelty, the hedonistic treadmill? i dunno. i don’t think so. seeing mikatralia definitely stirs some specific feelings. perhaps it’s just felt so strongly because it’s a particular kind of extreme non-conformity we’ve achieved in parts here and there before? or perhaps it’s because it’s about love, specifically, and that is something that is very near to our heart.
Not feeling it lately. Some unsorted thoughts:
A couple times now I’ve asked her to make me feel, to make me really feel. Like I’m owned; like I’m property; like I’m hers; like I belong. She keeps demurring, saying she doesn’t want to “rush to the end”, as if her making me feel that once would mean I actually would assent to becoming her thing.
I’ve tried to say a few times now—after she repeated the line about not wanting to rush—that I’m in no rush myself. I don’t know how to say the more blunt thing: that, if I was asked to make a decision now, I’d turn her down. It’s not a desire to rush to the end; I need to know if she’s capable of it to even know whether I want to continue, let alone increase the commitment!
As it stands we’re trialling, and I am—honestly speaking—not very satisfied. Even the small amounts of play we have done recently, the energy’s been off. I guess she feels like it is going okay? And that itself is a cause for concern and something to be addressed. Okay.
A charged dream of Dragon.
Keen for something.
Went to high tea for our anniversary (both quite “in role”, too), spent both days of the weekend just lying on the grass in a park reading phenomenology — a rare weekend of sunny days — and today, a first dose of BNT162b2.
Feeling a bit angry today.
Irritated, annoyed, moody. I’m coming to the end of my progesterone cycle, and just as well. I feel a lot of it directed at her but I’m not certain how much is warranted.
There’s a curious detachment that arises out of this experience.
I noticed it first when I wore almost nothing to the queer rave, though at the time I ascribed it to the natural high—of being out for the first time in years, of trying something a bit daring, of submitting in a public place. (And what a high it was, make no mistake.)
Yesterday I wore what could only be called a servant’s uniform, or perhaps even a seneschal’s; it was absolutely not vanilla. And we went out at lunch time, to the post office, to get lunch, to take care of some medical appointments. This is a full-body uniform—in no way titillating, or anything like that, but nonetheless very conspicuous—and I had no feelings about it. I chose to wear it as part of my submission for the day, and then we were heading out, so I wore it out. I don’t even know if I attracted any glances or looks for wearing it; it wasn’t on my mind.
If someone looked at me, they weren’t really looking at me, just a presentation of me. While I dress to communicate certain things, this.. hardening of my exterior, as I learn to give up my ego, means that what people say or make of those things don’t say anything about me. It’s strange.
Similarly, the behavioural modification inherent in referring to someone previously close-and-same as “Miss” in deference, habitually, instinctively, might have once made me feel.. I don’t know, self-conscious? Or something? But when it comes as part of submission, it’s just another part of how I choose to yield, and thus doesn’t feel like a hit to me.
I feel like I need to take some care here not to detach so completely that my submission doesn’t arise from my own core. I don’t think that’s what’s happening — I think instead I am perhaps learning some humility? But it’s clear, writing this out, that there is a risk that I could shear away from this and wind up fragmented. Need to concentrate my selves.
From the inscrutability of dreams to that of a Master or Mistress, huh?
Allowing yourself to follow a path that’s been opened up for you; not demanding to understand motives.. funny to see this written so soon after ‘occlusion’.
inscrutability
While doing our grocery shopping for the week, Mistress picked some recipes rather arbitrarily.
A nice looking bolognese (vegan), which required I go to the bottle shop after work to fetch a suitable wine for cooking.
I started cooking proper at 5.30pm; a slight pause to make up some parmesan (vegan), receive the grocery delivery, learn how to use a Swiss army knife’s corkscrew to open the bottle.
Turns out mincing half a kilo of mushrooms takes some time.
All told it’s quarter to 9pm and dinner is nearly done. I remarked to Miss how late it had gotten, and—perhaps to my surprise—she said, “next time you’ll be quicker!”
All I wanted was to be someone’s property. It really has always been that simple. Ugh!
