I think one of my biggest surprises in going to Estonia was discovering that European wasps are just called wasps there.

Estonians are renowned for their social charm, and for good reason are considered second to none in business. Here follows an exemplar of such, when an order from a motorcycle gear and accessory store was unable to be realised in full.

Hello! Thank you for your order. Oxford Aqua T-50 Roll Bag - Grey/White is unfortunately not available. Best regards

I was a little unsure of how to proceed, but figured I could try asking for a different similar item. They all appeared to be in stock on the website.

Hello! Thank you for your email. Do you have this one instead? All the best

They did not refund the difference between the original item and the one I requested, but given the level and speed of service I received in lieu, I didn’t even feel like asking for it!

Content note: pain, bad mental health, health issues.

Six months later, we’re back. It’s sad — we were acclimating well, met our neighbours, started riding all over the country, and then I started to be in pain.

Any kind of pain is bad, but the body part(s) affected really define the flavour of the impact it has, I guess, and this has been the first time I’ve had really significant leg pain. That’s sort of underselling it; it’s sometimes in my knees, usually ankles, feet, and though it seems like it shouldn’t be related, also in my elbows, fingertips, and even the sides of my neck, and it all feels very much related.

Still, for the most part it’s in my lower legs, and it. is. constant. I went back on nifedipine, since a Raynaud’s “diagnosis” last year had me try that and it sort of helped during winter. My hands and feet are always really cold, and they were worse than usual, so I was hopeful it’d help. Estonia only had the “medium acting” variant, and it felt a lot bumpier than the modified-release ones in Australia.

After that didn’t help at all, it was time to see the doctor. And see the doctor I did. And again, and again. And a physiotherapist. And an orthopaedist. Two X-rays, two different kinds of strong anti-inflammatory, three weeks of gabapentin, a month and a half of physio, and three months later in total and not even the slightest improvement. Exercising didn’t help, resting didn’t help. Ruled out referred back pain, inflammation, neuropathy, muscular.

Meanwhile, the time between appointments started to stretch out, I guess as folks returned from summer holidays, and I was just miserable. I hadn’t been able to do much of anything in a long time, and the healthcare system in Estonia was really making it hard. The pain on some days made me want to beat whichever leg was hurting into a pulp, because that somehow was more tractable and bearable.

So we’re back. I’ve had some relief since, in being able to switch back to the modified-release nifedipine, as well as get back on an antidepressant — duloxetine, both for the general sense of despair I’ve been accumulating this last quarter of a year (!), and for its help with ?fibromyalgia. The pain is a little bit more distant, but it’s still there and still getting worse.

Finally getting some blood tests confirmed it’s not something easy (anaemia, B12 deficiency) or obvious (cancer, RF+ RA). My money is on COVID-related vasculopathy, but I guess it’s not so easy to confirm, deny, or help. With some amazing luck, I managed to score an early rheumatologist appointment (someone had just cancelled), which then got bumped forward another week, so that’s now tomorrow.

I can’t particularly have my hopes up — we’re up to 4 months now since this started to intrude on my life. Last time I had a new chronic illness, it took more than a year for it to start subsiding regularly enough that I could start to believe it might abate entirely. (It came back for months at a time, years later.)

And unlike that time, this one isn’t only in my head: my legs and feet are increasingly randomly surfacing bruises that don’t clear up for months at a time. A few days ago while out to therapy, there was a particularly sharp ache across the top of my left foot, and when I got home, I took my shoe off and found that a vein had just turned completely black in a spot right there. There’s a blue patch on the back of my right leg (the one that hurts less on average!) that hasn’t gone away in the whole four months. And as my doctor here said, it’s entirely possible that at the end of all our investigations, I’ll still have this pain to manage, maybe indefinitely.

Which, y’know? That kind of thing just happens in life.

Yesterday was our 100th day in Estonia. Taking a little bit of stock of what we’ve managed:

• Visited the 4 largest cities in the country.
• Rented an apartment in the biggest one!
• Furnished what the apartment didn’t come with.
• Shipped our things from Australia. (Maybe a month off those arriving.)
• Got our motorcycles; put 900km on each.
• Got medium-term visa for A, and long-term one applied for.
• Got our medications prescribed locally.
• Financial/bureaucratic overhead.
• Changed my name and got new ID.
• Got onto a good family doctor’s list.
• Kept in touch with families and psychologists.
• Vaccinations.
• Saw the border.
• Went to a cat café.
• Went to sauna.
• Concluded jaanipäev with clothes smelling deeply of bonfire.
• Went to a live show (Estonian).
• Went to a live show (non-Estonian).
• Walked about 500km.
• Taken a lot of public transport.
• Met a range of people.
• Spoken quite a bit of Estonian.
• Kept up with projects.
• Finished a diary!
• Grew a lot.

Täna oli saunapäev. ^_^

As dispensed by the vaccinating staff:

• Australia: Now, no heavy lifting for a few hours!
• Estonia: Mm.. probably better not to go in sauna today.

Never mind that, lol. I have to update my Estonian documents to match my Australian ones for my partner’s immigration, so back to Ashe it is!

Noting that, having moved (“returned!”) to Estonia, I’m going by Amelia (or Amy) again, since it’s the name on all my documentation here. Head isu!

It’s been a week since I last wrote. Some more little bits and pieces.

The DPDR/dissociation has become even bit worse; somehow still keeping it together. Watching The Princess Bride with Annie last night helped.

Miscellany:

• Presented to the Police and Border Guard Board office to renew my ID card. Sat down in front of the worker once my number was called and asked, “kas te räägite inglise keelt?” (do you speak English?). With almost a tinge of pride, she replied, “ei!” (no!). It took everything in me not to burst out laughing.

  • There’s an oddity in that I can pronounce Estonian very well, despite not really knowing much of it (i.e. reading out text, like from a menu or Google Translate or whatever, I sound semi-native, but actually producing that text myself I’m nowhere near yet). This makes for fun situations.

• We have a new home :) An r/eesti comment mentioned someone once found an apartment in Tallinn on day 5 and was moved in by day 7. That was encouraging, if a little unrealistic-seeming. But nope: we inspected ours on day 4 (!), and moved in on day 8. Now we can ship our boxes from Australia.

• Food’s so nice here.

• Sure it’s 2° outside, that’s no problem, but then you walk into any building and it’s 22° and you’re shedding layers as fast as you can. Other people just seem not to?! I don’t get it.

  • The worst part for me is that, even with all our apartment floor-heating turned “off” (or as off as you can, which is to say, the set point is set lower than the actual point), we’re on the top of the building, so it’s over 20° regardless. This is troublesome at night, and the street noise might be a bit much to open the windows, but using the aircon when it’s below zero outside feels a bit …

  • Also, sharing a bedroom for the first time in so many years is a strange experience, like I’m cosplaying being a different kind of adult.

• Public transport’s so nice here — it’s already happened that we’ve taken train+bus+tram all in the one day just out of convenience.

  • Not that I’ve worked out how to get the free transit for locally-registered residents working on my Ühiskaart yet.

    • Is it only on TLT-operated busses? Is that it?? The information’s all very vague.

      • DISREGARD THAT I S—eem to have gotten it on a further attempt with the card reader.

• It just started snowing!?!!?

• Without cheese or with justice? (juust)