lustre
Not feeling it lately. Some unsorted thoughts:
A couple times now I’ve asked her to make me feel, to make me really feel. Like I’m owned; like I’m property; like I’m hers; like I belong. She keeps demurring, saying she doesn’t want to “rush to the end”, as if her making me feel that once would mean I actually would assent to becoming her thing.
I’ve tried to say a few times now—after she repeated the line about not wanting to rush—that I’m in no rush myself. I don’t know how to say the more blunt thing: that, if I was asked to make a decision now, I’d turn her down. It’s not a desire to rush to the end; I need to know if she’s capable of it to even know whether I want to continue, let alone increase the commitment!
As it stands we’re trialling, and I am—honestly speaking—not very satisfied. Even the small amounts of play we have done recently, the energy’s been off. I guess she feels like it is going okay? And that itself is a cause for concern and something to be addressed. Okay.