panic disorder
there’s a little gnawing, biting feeling in the pit of my stomach. like there’s a glowing hot stone, but just a small one. it’s already moved up a bit now, around where you’d expect the diaphragm to be when you’re fully exhaled. it’s not “real”. it’s not like it’s a sickness. it’s entirely in my head. but it manifests right here in my chest, and i feel nauseous and sick of breath. i’m dizzy, too, and if my mind wanders, if i don’t keep it on a tight leash, a skill i’ve had to practice ever since this damn disorder graced my life with its presence, then it really will spiral, fast, and even just thinking about that idea is enough to make the white hot burning in my chest grow, its tendrils reaching out.
i shoulda taken diazepam earlier when i felt this coming on but it receded a little and i thought i’d be okay. but whatever. i’ve dealt with this literally hundreds of times before. i’ll deal with it again. i know the lies my limbic system tells my brain, and though i’m not able to stop those signals streaming in, to convince my brain not to deliver the panic to my consciousness, so it’s up to pure discipline to hold it at bay and not fall into the path of least resistance.