105/710
i got a lotta feelings about my apartment, folx.
when i think about it, i first and foremost think of all the other people who have passed through it. as you know, i’m a people-centric kinda girl.
there was kairi, whom i moved in with first. then hazel. then imogen.
y’know, that’s not actually that many.
of course, a lot of bad shit has gone down here. more than one suicide attempt, but one in particular that will stay with me forever. the incredible tension that has existed within these walls when things weren’t working out with me and a partner. (fucking pro-tip to ashe: do not live with a partner. not for a long time. it does not work.)
but there’s been a lot of good too. excluding those already-mentioned, i’ve had five other partner(?)s stay the night, and it usually has been mostly just relaxing together, listening to music and enjoying each other’s company. it’s almost always been pleasant. i’ve worked at github since before moving here, so it’s always been my place of work, which has for the most part been a steady and stabilising part of my life. i’ve had friends over to play games and have food. friends with their animals, sometimes. i cat-sat milton here. it wasn’t that long after moving here that i started therapy with my current therapist and finally got past the worst of my panic disorder.
there’s been a lot of self-discovery. a lot of self-implosion, too, and that’s always hard to face. there’ve been sleepless nights and more restful ones. some nights where i’ve felt hollow to the core, and some days where i’ve felt like life was full of meaning and wonder.
i don’t know what’s to come. i struggled to reclaim this space as my own after everything with imogen earlier this year, but the last week has seen me go from hermitude in the study to spending time all over the apartment again, and enjoying it. i’ve let go of something. i still don’t know if i’ll want to remain here by year’s end when the lease expires. joni’s suggestion was that moving might itself be unsettling, and i can sympathise with that view point. on the other hand, a fresh start might be valuable.
we’ll see how i’m feeling then.