Algún tipo de mitten
I was sitting in the dark the other night, meditating; at this point in time, there was a particular point on the inner side of my right ankle that was particularly hurting, and my focus there; a little duller was an ache on the top of my left foot. In being with it, I realised, oh, this is chronic pain.
And it’s not a very surprising thought now, truly, but when you go to bed one night and your leg hurts so much you’re worried there might be a blood clot, it’s not yet obvious to you that this will be the start of something that will last at least nine months more. But I think nine months without a cause identified is probably a fine enough time to say we’ve crossed the line into “chronic pain”.
In the presence of daily pain that seems to change form and “spread” through the body, it’s very hard to shake the feeling there isn’t something progressive happening. My left eye is seemingly permanently some degree of bloodshot these days. The bruising on my lower legs is ridiculous, and the way they refuse to heal. I’d kind of prefer it if the pain coincided with them, but it mostly does not.
TCAs were indeed my GP’s preference, so I’ve started out a very slow transition to amitriptyline. The relief with sleep has been immediate, an absolute god-send. Was extremely sleepy in general the first week or so and napping every day, but that’s a really nice experience after such a long time of sleeplessness. That’s calmed down since, and while I’m still sweat-waking I’m pretty much right back to sleep and actually feeling rested in mornings. I am noticeably more dissociated on it; maybe it’s just the SNRI/TCA mix, maybe it’s maybelline. Will adjust the dosage in three weeks.
Rheumatologist follow-up finally in just under two weeks (last was 5 months ago); I don’t expect anything useful to come from it. Called it quits with my psych. Poco a poco.