I have an issue which maybe will one day not be so dire.
Advance warning: I’m talking about sex, and specifically my behaviours regarding it, so you may regard part of this as “TMI”. Reader discretion is advised.
As you may know, my (wider) moods are largely dictated by cyclothymia, a mood disorder which shares a spectrum with bipolar. I didn’t really realise fully myself my own nature until I came to live with my friend, Alex. He’d heard about my problems for years prior to then, but once we were living together, regularly going for walks together, he started to tell me more and more about the patterns he was seeing.
I’ve certainly come a long way since then, in terms of managing my behaviour. That’s not to say I let the label define me, but nonetheless I take certain precautions when I understand that my mood is taking a turn (for no other reason that it wants to—and that is the frustrating thing), and usually my life isn’t taken apart by myself once I start to come back up.
Unfortunately, sexual drive is nearly impossible to regulate, as I’m messed up no matter what mood I’m in. As in any depressive state, I have nearly zero interest in sex when I’m in a down period. The thought never enters my mind, and if raised by my partner, it feels (to me) like she’s talking about something that’s just not installed. The concept makes sense, but actually doing anything like that? On reflection, it seems crazy just how asexual I feel. I guess I didn’t really realise that could happen to me, until I realise it does, all the time (eg. now!).
Of course, when I’m up, it’s a different thing, and it’s even more problematic. I don’t experience mania per se, but something like that watered down. Correspondingly, my sex drive increases. So too do my hormone levels (or my awareness thereof). So, too does my feeling of acute dysphoria. I know exactly how I’d like my body to feel, to myself, and it feels in so many ways the polar opposite. Disgusting is a word I rarely have need to use seriously, but I really do feel that way about myself at these times, because of my sex drive.
And thus it occurs that it’s really hard for me to enjoy what should otherwise be a nice way to bond with my partner, and sometimes difficult to live with myself.