kivikakk.ee

Reply to email, October 15

The sender address bounced today, so I’m just publishing my reply here. Hope you see it! :)

Hiya <3

Thank you very much for your email; it was really lovely to receive. (Markdown ecosystem work is not very rewarding a lot of the time, lol :p)

But yeah — I don’t think there’s anything in particular you could do, and that’s quite OK! The thought by itself is enough, thank you :) Financially I’m completely fine. So I hope you get that Clojure gig and get money to make your own life even cooler! (Throwback to that time I wrote a Clojure impl in Ruby!)

Be well <3

Peak performance

A small bar graph from GitHub, titled "Languages". The legend shows 81% Nix, 18.4% Shell, 0.6% HTML.

You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like.

Led

Content note: pain, bad mental health, health issues.

Six months later, we’re back. It’s sad — we were acclimating well, met our neighbours, started riding all over the country, and then I started to be in pain.

Any kind of pain is bad, but the body part(s) affected really define the flavour of the impact it has, I guess, and this has been the first time I’ve had really significant leg pain. That’s sort of underselling it; it’s sometimes in my knees, usually ankles, feet, and though it seems like it shouldn’t be related, also in my elbows, fingertips, and even the sides of my neck, and it all feels very much related.

Still, for the most part it’s in my lower legs, and it. is. constant. I went back on nifedipine, since a Raynaud’s “diagnosis” last year had me try that and it sort of helped during winter. My hands and feet are always really cold, and they were worse than usual, so I was hopeful it’d help. Estonia only had the “medium acting” variant, and it felt a lot bumpier than the modified-release ones in Australia.

After that didn’t help at all, it was time to see the doctor. And see the doctor I did. And again, and again. And a physiotherapist. And an orthopaedist. Two X-rays, two different kinds of strong anti-inflammatory, three weeks of gabapentin, a month and a half of physio, and three months later in total and not even the slightest improvement. Exercising didn’t help, resting didn’t help. Ruled out referred back pain, inflammation, neuropathy, muscular.

Meanwhile, the time between appointments started to stretch out, I guess as folks returned from summer holidays, and I was just miserable. I hadn’t been able to do much of anything in a long time, and the healthcare system in Estonia was really making it hard. The pain on some days made me want to beat whichever leg was hurting into a pulp, because that somehow was more tractable and bearable.

So we’re back. I’ve had some relief since, in being able to switch back to the modified-release nifedipine, as well as get back on an antidepressant — duloxetine, both for the general sense of despair I’ve been accumulating this last quarter of a year (!), and for its help with ?fibromyalgia. The pain is a little bit more distant, but it’s still there and still getting worse.

Finally getting some blood tests confirmed it’s not something easy (anaemia, B12 deficiency) or obvious (cancer, RF+ RA). My money is on COVID-related vasculopathy, but I guess it’s not so easy to confirm, deny, or help. With some amazing luck, I managed to score an early rheumatologist appointment (someone had just cancelled), which then got bumped forward another week, so that’s now tomorrow.

I can’t particularly have my hopes up — we’re up to 4 months now since this started to intrude on my life. Last time I had a new chronic illness, it took more than a year for it to start subsiding regularly enough that I could start to believe it might abate entirely. (It came back for months at a time, years later.)

And unlike that time, this one isn’t only in my head: my legs and feet are increasingly randomly surfacing bruises that don’t clear up for months at a time. A few days ago while out to therapy, there was a particularly sharp ache across the top of my left foot, and when I got home, I took my shoe off and found that a vein had just turned completely black in a spot right there. There’s a blue patch on the back of my right leg (the one that hurts less on average!) that hasn’t gone away in the whole four months. And as my doctor here said, it’s entirely possible that at the end of all our investigations, I’ll still have this pain to manage, maybe indefinitely.

Which, y’know? That kind of thing just happens in life.

RSS autodiscovery

It’s come to my attention that some folks don’t know my blog has an RSS feed! This is kind of astonishing to me as it suggests people actually manually check blogs for new posts sometimes?!

At any rate, it does, it’s just not linked anywhere explicitly — but it is supported via RSS autodiscovery, which I just kind of .. assumed everyone used, relied on, knew about? But apparently not!

I guess I’ll add a link, just in case. :)